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Call me a sadist, however generally I get an enormous quantity of delight from the misfortunes of others. I imply, why do any of us learn drawback pages? We don’t actually need the issue “solved”; we like wallowing within the wretchedness of others. Notably sexually. Nobody cares about folks having an excellent time. What we actually need are untimely ejaculators with herpes.

It’s on this spirit that I’m delighted to return throughout an issue that I’ve by no means suffered from and am unlikely to come across: “diet face”.

Final week, the broadcaster Jenni Murray stated she was content material to not lose any extra weight, having misplaced 25kg (4st) after a sleeve gastrectomy, as a result of she didn’t need her face to break down like Nigel Lawson’s. So diet face – folks getting skinny in center age after which trying gaunt and aged – is a factor! Clearly, it’s extra of a factor for ladies, as a result of the whole lot is. Beauty surgeons, these medical doctors of insecurity, discuss of gravitational descent, eyebrow deflation, jowling and neck laxity. Good.

The actor Courteney Cox as soon as stated: “In Hollywood, to get your backside half to be the best dimension, your face might must be a bit gaunt.” Or, because the adage has it, at some stage you need to select between your face and your arse. However don’t fear, as a result of none of us must appear like skulls on sticks because of fillers, which might change your misplaced subcutaneous fats. You possibly can inject all kinds of stuff into your face, in addition to doing one thing referred to as a “micro-fat switch” .

This actually is fashionable womanhood: starve your self silly and work out each goddamned minute so as to keep young-looking – however don’t neglect to lay our a fortune plumping up your caved-in face.

Or right here’s an concept: chips.

Suzanne Moore is a Guardian columnist